I’m so tired of trying so hard.
“Hey honey, why don’t you come and just sit down and relax a little,” my husband asked as I was rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets.
I huffed under my breath at him. “I can’t, I just can’t,” I replied. “There’s just too much to do.”
“So much that you can’t come and sit down with me for five minutes?” He pushed a little harder.
I smacked the washcloth down on the counter and whipped around at him. “No, actually I can’t. Because I have to get all of the leftovers put away and get these pots and pans soaking. Then I have to go and put the kids’ sheets in the dryer so I can make sure they are dry before bedtime. Also, we’re out of milk so I need to run into town before the grocery store closes. Oh, and we’re out of toilet paper, too. And the kids have been crying all day, I can’t even think straight or remember anything. Oh my gosh, did I have that meeting for church tonight? Holy crap, I can’t do all of this!” I leaned up against the counter and began to cry.
There was a few moments of silence before I heard his footsteps coming towards me. I looked up just in time to see him spread his arms and wrap them around me.
“I’m so sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m just so overwhelmed. I’m tired of trying doing everything and feeling like I can’t juggle it all.” I paused. “I’m just so sick of trying so hard.”
He let me cry for a few minutes.
“You know you don’t have to do it all, right? It’s all going to still be here tomorrow. Let’s just leave some of it and we can get it in the morning,” he said.
“That’s just the thing, IT’S ALL GOING TO BE HERE AGAIN TOMORROW! It’s never ending! I can’t keep up!” I cried.
My husband looked me in the eyes. “You go and switch out the laundry and just go take a few minutes and be by yourself. Take a few deep breaths. Take a half of your anxiety pill if you need it. I’ll finish up these dishes, we can put the kids to bed, and then we can sit for a bit.”
That was it. I was just done. Have you ever felt this way ladies?? Please tell me I’m not alone.
You see here’s the thing. I am overwhelmed enough as it is as the woman of our household. I just don’t feel like I can always keep up. But add my anxiety into the mix and you’ve got the recipe for a flipping hot mess. And after years of trying so hard, I’ve become tired of trying so hard. And I can’t do it anymore.
So I’m learning to ask for help. I’m learning to accept help. I’m learning how to manage my anxiety with prayer and Xanax. I’m figuring out what my limits are and when to let things just be undone. I’m recognizing when I need to slow down and JUST BE with my family. But most importantly I’m learning how to say no…
No to allowing myself to try so hard. Because when I try that hard, I fall even harder. And I’m tired of falling, aren’t you friend?