I won’t lie…I walked into our house tonight with a little extra hop in my step and a smile on my face. 30 minutes before, I was in tears (the ugly kind) driving home, weary from a long couple of weeks as a SAHM and a heavy heart for my seemingly endless naughty daughter. I know I can’t be the only mom out there that’s had that feeling of doubt creep in – how am I supposed to raise this child and make her obey me with out losing my mind? Please tell me I’m not alone.
There are some parts of being a mom that aren’t very fun. Tonight, for instance, we were at a bonfire with our friends from town, lots of food and lots of great people. And Nora seemed to be the only one not having any fun. Multiple attempts of trying to keep her calm later (with much whining and foot stomping that would put the child-version of her mother to shame), she and I were in the van on the way home, Eric staying behind to carry on the Eberspacher name at the get-together.
I cried on the way home tonight. Cried out of pure selfishness and pregnancy hormones, combined with indigestion from too much spicy chicken dip and crackers. There have been many times where tending to the needs of my daughter have come before my own personal fun, but tonight I really wanted to be there with everyone. I wanted to have fun. As I looked back in the mirror at my little toe-headed ragamuffin, I noticed that she was so content in the back seat; smiling, humming to herself, sucking on her chubby little fingers. It was precious. And right then my heart began to soften.
When we pulled down our gravel drive, I saw something flashing out of the corner of my eye. I parked the car and got out to see fireworks going off just over one of our fields. I quickly got Nora out of her car seat and I waddled down the sidewalk to my in-laws driveway, and there we sat together for the next 15 minutes and watched the beautiful colors fill the night sky. Nora, “Whoa!”ed and “Tee! Hee! Hee!”ed as she clapped her hands with every explosion in the sky. Every few minutes, she would look up at me and smile with absolute glee, like, “Mommy, did you see that?!?” When the show was done, we walked back down the sidewalk, did our bedtime routine and she fell asleep in my arms as we rocked and sang her favorite songs. It was the perfect end to the day. And the most humbling reminder of the great joy and sacrifice it is to be her mom. And how it’s SO worth it.
The past few weeks I have regularly had thoughts of doubt running through my mind about my abilities as a mom; not only to Nora, but to her future sibling as well. “What were we thinking having another one?” “God, do you really think I can do this?” “I must be doing something wrong, I can’t get her to obey me.” “I don’t think my 1 1/2 year old likes me anymore.” “I was not meant to do this, I’m a horrible mom!” Seriously, I have let these things creep in, and sadly there have been days where I have believed them. But God tells me truths that are so very different in His Word.
“And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” Colossians 3:15
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalms 46:1
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.” Psalm 18:32-36
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
“Cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Aren’t those great promises? As I read over these again tonight, I am reminded of what a great God I serve. How amazing is it that the Creator of all hears our prayers and desires to give us love and encouragement. There are some days that I can’t even fathom it.
Like I said earlier, there have been days where I have doubted my abilities as a mom, wondering why it can be so hard sometimes. Everyone always says that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I don’t buy it. God allows things or trials to come into our lives that we can’t handle… at least we can’t handle them on our own. We need His guidance, to depend on Him and His Word and the promises that lie in those precious pages. What’s more, is that we need to believe that He is faithful in those promises He gives us, that He will finish the good work that He started in us. And one of those good works is being “Mom.”
So whether your in a great place in motherhood, or stuck in a rut of self-doubt and endless temper tantrums (raising hand now), I encourage you to remember that you were made for such a time, for such an honor, as this: being Mommy.
Happy Mother’s Day!