I threw the dish towel into the sink and stormed off towards our bedroom, trying to choke back the tears. My husband caught me just before I got to the door and stood in front of me with his arms wide open. I slumped into his chest.
“I promise, I’m not going to be like this forever. I promise I’m going to get better.”
We stood in one another’s arms for a few moments longer.
“I am going to get better, right?” I asked as I kept my head rested on his chest.
“Honestly, I don’t know if it will, honey.” He replied.
“OK, that was not the answer I was looking for. This was your moment to be a kind, empathetic, lying husband and say, ‘Oh yes dear, everything is going to work out great and you’re going to get back to normal soon.’ That’s what you were supposed to say,” I looked at him and snarled.
And then he pulled me back in close, “Honey, God is preparing you for something. He’s just getting you ready for it. And it’s all going to be for His glory.” I stood there and curled my upper lip and buried my head deeper into his chest.
“What if you’re right? What if it never gets better? What if I don’t want to be prepared? What if I don’t want this?” I cried.
Just an hour earlier I was sitting on the living room floor uncontrollably crying. I knew what it was, I could feel it coming. My heart was racing, I was lightheaded, and I couldn’t catch my breath or stop crying. The baby had woken up from his nap and was crying, the girls were begging for snacks, and there I was in a heap on the floor when my husband walked in and immediately recognized what was going on.
I was on the verge of a panic attack. And that guy stepped right in and over the next hour walked me through my clouded mind and down off the cliff of anxiety.
You guys, I wish this wasn’t a part of my story. I wish that my sweet husband didn’t have to step in and take over for me when I just can’t be who I need to be for my family. I wish my kids didn’t have a mom who struggles with postpartum depression and anxiety. I wish God didn’t allow this to be a part of my story.
But to wish that is to also wish that He isn’t preparing me for something glorious for the sake of His Kingdom.
In John 13:7 Jesus says to his disciples, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” He was talking about the coming of his death as he washed the feet of his disciples – He knew that the hour was near. And I can only imagine how they looked at one another in confusion as their Master did the servant’s dirty work of washing their feet. But for Jesus, this was a sign of humility and of great love for his dear friends. But the act of love that He was about to do on the cross… in His humanness, He wanted the cup taken from Him. But He continued on to act in obedience to His Father’s will.
And His will included suffering.
In my own brokenness and pain, it it crucial for me to look to the example of Jesus in His suffering; in His obedience to suffer for the salvation of mankind. And for me, it is to be my joy to suffer and endure in hope because Jesus did the same in His obedience in His death on the cross. (Philippians 2:8). Some days, like today, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why this is part of my story. But like my husband reminded me in the hallway earlier this morning, He is preparing me for something more.
Something that can only be found in the beauty of my broken for the glory of His Kingdom.
So friend, are you suffering today? Let’s look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith and may we continue to run the race set before us (Hebrews 12:1-2), even if it seems like it’s never going to get better.
I too am a mama struggling with postpartum anxiety… well anxiety that hasn’t weakened since the birth of my 10 month old. And I stay at home, too. Some days it is so worrisome on how to lovingly care for the boys while barely able to care for myself. Holidays are the hardest times! Thank you so much for sharing. I needed that. Tonight. It was perfect timing. ❤️ Never even read your blog… and it just came up.