Last week in this September’s sessions of “Falling Into Gentleness,” we talked about bringing gentleness into our marriages. And I was BLOWN away at how many of you reached out after my last post came out. I’m amazed that this little corner of the internet has become one where we can interact and really do life together…. And I love it.
That being said, there was one theme that encompassed about 90% of all the questions you asked. And I was not surprised at all. Many of you wanted to ask about initiating sex with your husband and how to go about doing that.
Now for the past few days, I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I should really put myself out there in a post to talk about this. BUT I’ve talked about sex before on this blog, so I thought why not again. Because friends, it’s such an important part of our marriages. So that being said, let’s talk about the question that many of you have posed.
You told us that it was important for us to initiate sex….but how do I do that?? I honestly don’t know if I can even do that anymore.
I think for starters it’s important to point out that each of us reading this is probably at different points sexually in our marriages. Some of us may be young in our marriages and finding the time or desire to have sex comes easily. Some of us are in the stage of raising babies and sex doesn’t come as easily as it used to. And some of us just want to get our groove back because, well, we’ve lost it. But a majority of you who asked have found yourself in a spot with your spouse where you don’t like each other and sex is just off the table. Wherever you are, it’s not too late to learn how to initiate sex with our husbands and how to be comfortable doing so. Because so many of you voiced that initiating sex makes you nervous. But I think that no matter which category you fall into, we don’t want sex to be a chore or awkward. And initiating it doesn’t have to be either.
So here are a few things to keep in mind when wanting to initiate sex.
1. It doesn’t have to be a straight out question. For some couples this works, but chances are if you’re reading this, asking to have sex straight out probably wouldn’t work for you. And that’s ok! But you can work your way into intimacy with your husband slowly. Giving him a long hug and kiss when he gets in the door, placing your hand on him when you’re sitting together, holding hands, cuddling, flirting. Now I know for some of you even trying these things will be a huge step, so it may take you days or weeks of doing these things before you even initiate having sex with your husband. But either way you are making huge steps forward in your marriage! You can start doing these things the day that you want to try having sex, or better yet trying doing these things everyday with your man. Believe it or not, our husbands do like physical touch outside of the bedroom, too 🙂
2. Create a place of intimacy. I know for me and my husband, walking into our room to be together and having the room a mess isn’t always the most romantic way to get into the mood. One easy thing that you can do during the week is to work on making the space that your husband and you share together a comfortable and clean one. Being intentional to pick up the laundry off of the floor, wash your sheets and make your bed, dust your furniture, keep your bathroom and shower clean, or even light a candle… These are things to think about. You could even go as far as turning on some lamps or dimming the lights in the evenings. Seriously, these things sounds small and maybe even a bit funny, but they DO make a huge difference and create a place of intimacy for you and your husband.
3. Show your husband appreciating during the week. “Ok, so how does this tip help me out in the sex department?” Again, sometimes we underestimate that our men have emotional needs that go hand in hand with their physical ones. When was the last time you told your husband that you appreciate him? That you are proud of him? That you love being married to him? Do you thank him regularly for the things he does for you and your family? Maybe your husband isn’t a words of affirmation guy. Try meeting him at the door with his favorite drink or drawing him a bath when he gets home from a long day. Set him up a tee time at the golf course or make him his favorite dinner. These things do matter to them. It does show them we care. And aren’t we women the same way? Chances are by starting to do some of these things yourself, you may see some of them done in return, and the more mutual respect you have for one another, the easier initiating sex on your part will be.
4. Sit down and talk about it. As I mentioned before, this isn’t for everyone. But it does work for some people. Sit down with your husband and simply tell him you want to be with him. It may even be wise for you to plan out when to have sex, especially for those of us with little kids and busy schedules. But any way you look at it, honesty is the best policy. And being honest that you want to be intimate with him is a tangible way of showing him how much you want to make it happen.
5. Pray about it. I’ve talked about this before over at Her View From Home, but I wanted to stress this again. Prayer changes everything; including our sex lives. Never underestimate the fact that God designed this part of your marriage to be awesome and glorify Him. So if you want more about how prayer changed MY sex life,you can read more about that here.
I hope that this post has been one that encourages you, has given you hope, and some tangible ideas about how to initiate sex with your husband. Remember, our marriages are each beautiful in their brokenness. Even the brokenness in our sex lives. But God can take that brokenness and use it for His glory in a very real way, friends.
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