It’s Sunday afternoon. I should totally be napping like the rest of my family is, but after I finally got Andersyn asleep, Nora started crying for me to come in, then once she fell asleep, Andersyn woke up to eat, then Nora woke up again with a bad dream. If your a mom of two, you totally know the drill: If it’s not one of them, it’s the other. It seems like today it is just pointless to try and lay down, so here I sit with my bag of Kit Kats (right after I pinned about a zillion recipes on Pinterest for healthy smoothies, lol yeah right) in my old ratty robe, hair atop my head and waiting for the next little to wake up in need of something. Someone. Me. Mommy.
I suppose I’m writing this today because I have hit a new low point this week. I am so overwhelmed. Even with tremendous support of friends who brought meals early on, a mother-in-law who is always willing to help with the girls and my own mom on the other end of the phone in Kansas City offering support, I still feel like my mind is whirling and that my wonder and joy in the everyday is dwindling. To top it off I’m so tired. And Eric is still harvesting. STILL harvesting.
For the record, I just have to say this: poor Nora. Miss Andersyn cries a lot. Like, shriek at the top of her lungs any time she is awake, a lot. And sweet Nora has to listen to it just as much as I do. On top of that, she is trying to learn what it’s like not to have Mommy to herself and how to share my attention. The temper tantrums have been so hard to endure – I never knew that both kids screaming at the same time could be so exhausting. And it breaks my heart knowing that she is having a hard time adjusting. But things ARE getting better everyday. We ARE making progress. And slowly but surely, we ARE figuring out what normal looks like. At the end of the day, it comes down to one thing: they need their Mommy. And they need their Mommy a lot.
There have been so many times these past couple of months that I have just wanted to fast forward to an “easier” stage of life (does an easier stage even exist?). But I have gently (and not so gently at times) been reminded that each stage of my babies life is a blessing; moments that are meant to be cherished and taken advantage of. And that in the messy moments of parenthood that there is ALWAYS room for my heart to grow and change.
I have often thought back these past few weeks on what it was like when Nora was as small as Andersyn is now. And then I glance over at her sitting on the floor…guys, she is such a big girl. She is sitting on the floor, trying to draw shapes, singing her ABC’s and twirling her hair around her finger. When did she get so big? And WHY did I wish the time away to when she would be bigger? And then I realize that more times than not, I have recently been wishing that she would quickly move to a less whiney, more independent stage of her little life.
**insert face palm and Mommy sobs**
There I go again, wishing my babies lives away. How selfish and ungrateful are you, Lauren Eberspacher. You know better. Why are you wishing away so many opportunities to love your girls and be Jesus to them?
So this is my new anthem as I begin this week – I am going to try and be more intentional of seeing the joyful, fleeting moments with my girls. Because there is only so long…
*That Nora is going to cry out in the middle of the night for me to come and cuddle her when she has a bad dream about Captain Hook. And then ask my to stay and, “Lay right here, Mommy,” when I try and leave before she falls back asleep.
*That Andersyn is going to be completely helpless, needing only her Mommy to bounce and sing to her for hours on end in the middle of the night.
*That Nora will hold my hand running down the sidewalk.
*That both girls can semi-comfortably fit on my lap at the same time.
*That sweet, innocent Nora will cry until we get out of the car so she can look up into the sky and see the “yewow moon.”
* That I will be able to give nourishment to Andersyn by breastfeeding, even if it is every 2 hours on the hour.
*That it will take Nora 15 minutes to pick out the perfect piece of Halloween candy from her pumpkin bucket after dinner, and that she thinks enough of my opinion to ask me which one she should pick after lining up her top choices.
*That I can have my babies by my side 24/7 and tell them all about Jesus, and that no matter how much I love and adore them, that Jesus does even more than I ever could.
No friends, I’m turning over a new leaf starting this week. And when I’m starting to falter, losing my patience, feeling exhausted and just plain frustrated, I’m going to come back to this time in my life and remember how small my babies are. And that is my privilege to be desperately needed by them and be chosen as their Mommy.